stars and satellites

i'm back!

2010-05-27T20:28:00.003+08:00

i'm turning 24 really really soon..i need to get my life back together.
and i've thought pretty long and hard about this. but yeah,

from here onwards, the posts will not be sad or sappy anymore.

just REAL LIFE STORIES!

with a dose of humor, i hope.:)

cut so deep

2009-09-25T14:04:00.000+08:00

my body aches but i'm dancing
my heart is empty but i'm feeling
my brain is blown into pieces but i'm thinking
my hands shiver but i'm writing
my feet is numb but i'm walking
my lips are torn but i'm smiling
my mouth bleeds but i'm laughing
my eyes are tattered but i'm seeing
my ears are bushed but i'm listening
my neck is strangled but i'm breathing
my tongue is sore but i'm eating
my voice is fading but i'm singing
my organs are damaged but i'm alive

i wanna scream but the words don't come out
i wanna cry but my tears have dried out
i wanna shoot but i don't have ammunition
i wanna run but my toes are bruised
i wanna fly but i have no wings
i wanna write but there are no words
i wanna hide but everyone's watching
i wanna drown but there's no water
i wanna be saved but my door is shut tight
i wanna be myself but it seems impossible
i wanna forget but i remember everything
i wanna crash but i'm not driving
i wanna love but all i see is pain
i wanna bleed but i'm all drained out
i wanna be true but i pretend
i wanna fall but i'm on flat land
i wanna sleep but i have nightmares
i wanna hope but all i see is destruction
i wanna try but all i see is darkness
i wanna wake up but my eyes are open

this is not depression.this is something else.

stay

2009-09-21T23:40:00.003+08:00

bloodshot eyes,a single word i cannot utter
my bloodied hands clutch,the wound left open as it were
i try to get up,wipe away my tears
something tells me you will be here

running across the open road
sounds of cars and trucks bombard my ears
i scream your name out loud
can i ever get out of here

i see your smile,your laugh with every step
it's obvious you're all i see
if i said stay,would you stay?
and then i breathe you in.

i walk and keep walking
gazing up at the stars that seem to fall from the black sky
a light hits me like lightning
now i can fly...

cries of laughter

2009-06-13T13:18:00.000+08:00

the yellowed letters that i found lying under the bed
smell of dust and age,concealing the hours and days that spiraled into years
the crawling spider stopped its track,as if reading the words as i am now.

ripped up papers confettied on the floor
i pieced them back together like solving a never ending puzzle
how long has time passed?
i sank into the pages not knowing where it starts, not knowing where it ends.

up in the attic i hear cries of laughter
not anyone else but mine.
swallowing all the words whole,i wonder where the hell was i all this while?
i rack my brains but nothing comes.

i pushed myself to the window and see the white snow covering the grass
just for a minute,everything comes flashing by
there's a grin on my face and sparkle in my eyes
i hit the button , the one that says record
and begin to tell my side...

unclifted

2009-05-09T00:34:00.000+08:00

just one night

2009-05-02T21:56:00.000+08:00

**In memory of a dear companion that passed on recently**

8.00 pm

A nightclub in Bangkok

There’s deafening sounds reverberating through every crack in the walls. Darkness takes order in the room. This is the night they’ve all been waiting for. Pills are scattered across the room with a promise of ecstasy and unprecedented bliss. As the music starts, everybody goes into a trance and drowns with whatever is left of reality.
A man is sitting at the bar, popping pill after pill and washing them down with Coke. The pills take effect almost immediately. Where am I..? He feels dizzy and starts shoving everybody as he makes his way to the exit. Seconds later, foam forms in his mouth and he collapses into a state of shock on that cold, cold street.

A housing area in Anbar

A wedding ceremony is taking place. The bride is wearing a resplendent white gown and holding a bouquet of roses. Relatives and friends gather around and do the traditional dance. The bridegroom is hoisted up in the air like a newly crowned king. Children are running and laughing. This is one of their better days.
This isn’t the nicer side of town. In the background, there are crumbled walls which once made up a house. The streets are lined up with abandoned cable cars and death looms in the air.
As one of the relatives makes a speech, the sound of siren is heard. At first, it sounded like the patrol making their rounds. But they know better. A missile is coming. Everybody starts running for shelter. A father and son hide in a drain while holding each other. They start reciting a prayer as they wait for the inevitable.

A gas station in Ohio

After finishing her afternoon shift at the hospital, she stops by at the gas station to fill up. Hmm…Is Josh asleep already? I hope I can get home in time to kiss him goodnight. Josh is 9 years old and has cancer. She is a single mother who has to work double shifts just to pay the medical bills.
She enters the convenient store and heads for the refrigerator located at the farthest end of the store. The cashier is humming to the background music while chewing a gum. Another guy is busy browsing through a Playboy magazine.
Moments later, a man armed with a rifle storms through the door. He shoots randomly and at any living thing. There is no time to run. She sees the cashier’s eyes as he falls to the ground. She tries to keep silent as she hides under the rack. Then, a pair of legs approaches.

*These stories are not written to instill disgust or fear about death. They simply tell us that life is fragile and short. But it doesn’t mean that we should waste our moment and stop living.

We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. --Konrad Adenauer

castles in the air

2009-02-22T17:03:00.000+08:00

I saw you for the last time today
Your eyes seemed to glow like crystals
Against skin and bones that are fading away
Like dust scattered in the air

Blooms of cerise and blue
Greeted us with a smile
I took your hand in mine
And said, let’s go for a ride

The bench where we first met is now rusty and worn
You smiled as you leaned your head against mine
The sound of traffic filled the milieu
No words were spoken as we gazed into the night

If I could see you one last time, I’d listen to you
And write every word down and not be rude
We would get popsicles by the pier
And stuff ourselves silly till our lips turn blue

I’d make silly faces just to see you laugh
And not miss every second
Cause you’re like the smell of rain
That I could sink into again and again

So here’s to say goodbye
It’s time to let you go
A tear streamed down my cheek
As I kissed you one last time

Don’t worry, darling
Soon we will meet again
Be up among the clouds
And build castles in the air

-yet another ‘jiwang’ entry inspired by the silent night-

through the black hole

2008-12-02T09:58:00.000+08:00

What if the clouds stop forming?
And memories of you
Fade like blood washed in the rain
Filling up the drains

The faultless corona
Of illuminating light
Sets you off against
The shadows of the dark

Just for a moment
The black sky blankets the earth
You light up like the brightest star
That I will follow

I’m floating into space
To get closer to you
I am not afraid
Just consume me

What if the clouds stop forming?
And everything disintegrates
With nothing but the silence
That creeps in the air

I want to fall
I want to run
Scream in silence
Till I am heard

I want to see you
Watch you sleep
Every single day
Till my heart stops beating

Written in raindrops
All shedding blue ink
Be the electric in me
That shocks unremitting

desert and stars

2008-10-31T21:40:00.000+08:00

my head is spinning round and round
like hanging on a speeding car
heading nowhere but not slowing down
i see skid marks across the tar

the night stands still without a sound
the flashing lights intruding the darkness
smoke billowing beneath the clouds
marks the beginning of annihilation

far beyond the moon and the stars,
i drift away into the empty space,
seeing the world being torn apart,
i hope to never return again...

independence

2008-08-30T11:14:00.000+08:00

this is the first time i've entered a public cc.the chairs are fabulously comfortable and the screens made my laptop screen looks like a tiny rectangle.

as Malaysia's 51st Independence Day is tomorrow and Ramadan is coming,i'll talk about those today.
what does it mean being independent?
being independent doesn't only mean sticking a flag on your car.instead, it's your actions.the little things that you do every single day.

you can't say you love your country when you're not even proud of what your country has achieved.

you can't say you love your country when you pollute that very same country you live in.

you can't say you love your country when you don't even know what's going on in your country.

you can't say you love your country when you don't even know how and refuse to talk Bahasa Malaysia properly.

for me, being independent does not only constitute watching Merdeka concerts or screaming 'Merdeka!'it is being able to stand on your own two feet and think for yourself.i hope that this Merdeka brings more meaning to each and every one of us.

Ramadan is just around the corner.a year has passed. and a lot of obstacles crossed, paths lead and lives changed.Ramadan,i greet you with an open heart.may God bless us all...

happenstance

2008-08-13T22:56:00.000+08:00

i rubbed my eyes and stood up from my deep dead slumber
i tread the descending steps towards a place so familiar: the kitchen
at that moment i saw you stirring the pot of soup
making busy to feed us all
i was as happy as a child who had his first glimpse of the rainbow.
of all the things i could wish for in this universe
my greatest wish is to see you smile.to see you laugh.to see you happy.
i knew then your existence was no happenstance.
i could never be like you.but i hope that i could get a whisper of your wisdom.
of your hope.of your compassion.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

i love you,mama.
always have.always will...

Fo shizzle mah nizzle

2008-08-09T00:50:00.000+08:00

and so this week has been very VERY productive.but despite all the late nights and the constant rush to meet deadlines and stuff,it felt worthwhile.pushing yourself to the limit can really get you going.and along with it surfaces these huge zits that look like a stew that is boiling.yup....not a good sight.not a good sight indeed.

however, amidst all that, i said yes to hani's invitation of watching a play.

i agreed completely without having a single clue about it.but it turned out to be quite a grand experience.at least for me.
but i think the play which affected me the most has got to be 'How do you like me now?' or something(i can't really recall the title).yes, the scene where the clothes started to shed was quite disturbing.but the message behind it gave quite an impact.

i think what it was trying to say is that by exposing yourself,you may get some attention from men.but when you expose yourself too much,you'll only make a complete fool of yourself.and don't trust the outer appearance alone.what you see is not always true.

and you know what?i'm beginning to feel quite tired arguing with someone who is constantly trying to bring you down.is that a bad thing? i don't know. i just think it's wasted to argue with someone who is already that shallow and artificial.let them think what they want. i know what i want and i think in the end, that's all that matters.

and i'll be heading to the sofa to do my tv remote control clicking marathon now.

ciao...

a new leaf

2008-08-03T16:36:00.000+08:00

i noticed that most of my previous posts are laced with anger,hatred and desolation.but all that seem so insignificant when you look at the people torn by war.even getting through a day is an achievement.
therefore, i've decided that i will not complain too much on the things that do not satisfy me.do not please me.do not make me happy.

and so...i'm turning on a new leaf.

"can't smile without you"

isn't that the most beautiful smile you've ever seen??

stupidity: NOT COOL

2008-07-25T21:57:00.000+08:00

this past few weeks, i've had the chance to meet different people,see the good side,the bad side and all the in betweens.their true character,their passion,their desires,their secrets.the stories that i've heard,the things that i've seen seem somewhat overwhelming at times.there's only so much words and images one can swallow at any one time.but in a sense,i think it has helped me see the real me.the me that i want to be.the me that i hope i will never be.the me that's just...well,me.

i read somewhere(a trivial source)where there were all these comments regarding women.especially women who cover up(if you know what i mean).they said that women who cover up tend to get "hornier and easily aroused.therefore, they are constantly wet between their legs".i was completely repulsed by the statement.call me a feminist but are women really that hungry for sex??what about the men then??doesn't it take two to tango??

how odd that in this technological era,a person can be so shallow and stupid as to even think about making such statement.it just goes to show that you can live in an urban city,go to university,talk fancy and shit, but if you don't dissect your brain and analyse how frivolous you are,you'll always be that same loser who just craps but has no substance.

i'm not saying anything but...

2008-07-16T16:38:00.000+08:00

i'm beginning to feel old.like,REAL old.and it doesn't have to do with age.i just feel old.wiser?i hope...

The familiar faces are not there anymore.replaced instead by unknowns and more unknowns.
am i ready to go out into the world?am i really who i am??or is this just another mask?another facade?
am i trying to prove something?am i pretending?am i someone else?
am i a robot underneath all this skin?
i'm seeing something,someone, but is it real?or an illusion?
the things that i possess.that i hold.that i own.do they have a real meaning?
is it what it seems to be?

lonely avenue

2008-07-03T04:36:00.000+08:00

by now, you can probably tell that i have a thing for blue:-)
it doesn't mean that i'm gonna be a walking blue man anytime soon, though.

it's 4.37 on a cold Thursday morning.i'd just got off the sofa, after slumping on it watching tv for 6 hours straight, give or take.i thought a lot about what to write today.i could talk about politics that seem to get dirtier every single day.i could talk about the latest gossip in town.or i could write about the time and energy wasted loving something that never really existed.in the end,i decided to write as i go along.hurt can be a great muse to write something.perhaps it's because you feel so much for that certain thing or someone that you try to channel all that feeling into words.or actions.i just finished watching 'Love Story' a moment ago.and really,love stands above all.if you really love that person,you'd do anything to make it work.even when a person dies,it will not shatter you.instead, it will make you free.liberated.emancipated.

it occurred to me that those stars that i try to chase seem to be farther and farther away as i try to climb higher.but i think it fills yet another chapter of my life.fills another spot in my memory.you could say that there is melancholy in this entry.but i think there's a certain sadness in a crowded room too.

we were having dinner at this restaurant and there was a program shown on tv about 'kangkang' rice and stuff.and EVERYBODY had their eyes glued to the tv!it's sad watching them watching the tv like that.i mean, when it comes to hunger crisis or pollution, no one gives a shit.but when it comes to sex,massage parlors,prostitution,bomoh etc...suddenly everyone wants to know!at that single moment,i wished i was in a different place.different state.different country.

but my feet on the ground brings me back to reality.it appears that a drop of tear has burst out of my eye.good morning...

chasing nothing

2008-06-29T15:56:00.000+08:00

I’m lying on the cold hard floor with nothing but the silence
Let it take me, let it consume me, like the deep blue ocean
Swallowing everything along its way.

My words are getting rusty because they are not spoken
Scripted and repeated over and over though in paper it was never written
Waiting for the day when I would say it with confidence.

The times I ran, I jumped and I flew
Chasing nothing but with not a single clue
My heart leaped whenever I see you.

But now it’s time to let go
Of something I never really had, never ever will hold
And let myself free.

I wouldn’t trade the pain for never knowing you
For the times you’ve made me smile, I thank you
It was worth it for the view.

The rain is falling now and I go outside
Let it embrace me like a hug so tight
Because this is where I see your eyes.

-----martian mathers-----

what gives

2008-06-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

I'm not quite sure what state of mind I'm in right now.my ears are squashed by a headphone that seems to crush my head.'hero/heroine' by Boys Like Girls fills my ear drums.in all honesty, i don't even know what to write.I'm beginning to think that one of the reasons that my sore throat is not getting any better is because i barely talk.quite eerie, don't you think?

Aaahh....i think talking is so overrated.what would it be like if our speeches turn to lyrics?then everyone would be singing to each other.instead of the boring tones of a normal conversation.

I don't even know what i'm saying.perhaps the cold night air has gone straight to my brain and freezed my dura matter.

I'm not trying to philosophize anything.I'm just saying what i want to.no restrictions.no limits.no constraints.

'I'm falling so fast like a stone off a cliff whenever i see your face.
now i'm running and screaming.'

i've never actually wrote something cheesy before.but this is what listening to too much(i say too much cause it's uncountable)sappy love songs do to you.

the end.

the road

2008-06-06T23:10:00.000+08:00

i've walked this road a thousand times before.and yet,today the road seemed harder.colder.lonelier.my heart felt heavier with each step i took.it almost consumed whatever feelings, whatever thoughts i had left.i kept on walking.headed in which direction,i could not be sure.the clouds were getting dark.like a black cape covering the orange sky.i did not feel afraid.i masked indifference but my head was buzzing like a bee hive being struck by a malicious child.i held back all my emotions.but as a drop of rain fell into my palm,so did my tears.i cried so hard but the rain and the storm silenced my cries.silenced my fear.silenced my anger.silenced everything...

another day,another hour

2008-06-02T16:41:00.000+08:00

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.be it trivial things or world-changing things.even in my sleep, all my thoughts are played in my dreams.like watching a mixed up story on silent mode.

i think of how a person can live his life not showing any emotion at all.i think of being in that person's shoes and live a life without showing any emotion.and then i become that thought.

i think of the irony that life brings.i read on CNN that a marine who was on leave from his duty in Iraq was shot at a bus stop in his home town,Cleveland.

that is life.

i think of all the zits that are going to pop up on my face when the new semester starts.i think of the orphans who've lost their parents to natural disasters.i think of abused animals walking with no direction and rummaging through trash for a piece of anything.

and with that,i'll get back to my thinking now...

cool stuff of the day

2008-05-27T11:54:00.000+08:00

the lip-sync was a little off but this could be an actual music video.i've watched this at least ten times.it's THAT good!

Süßigkeit zu meinen Augen

2008-05-25T00:37:00.000+08:00

omg!!!!! i couldn't sleep so i went downstairs in the middle of the night. i turned on the tv and flipped through all the channels.it's saturday night and there's wrestling??like at 12?? so i keep hitting on the remote control incessantly...then, i thought i saw sp!!! he reminded me SO much of sp that i sat down for the entire hour!!!! hwaa!!!!!!

so, this is the REAL sp:

AND this is the sp lookalike that i saw:

my sp????

that's a secret i'll never tell.*wink wink*

d:-x

ich werde spült!

goodnight:-D

papaya

2008-05-21T12:24:00.000+08:00

I miss long walks in the park.

I miss blowing bubbles to see them floating like little balloons around me.

I miss waking up in the morning to see a rainbow coloring up the blue, blue sky.

I miss sitting on the swing and let myself go.

I miss writing letters to people which I end up not sending.

I miss the smell of the rain in the mornings.

I miss watching this old, smiley guy cooking with papaya seeds on tv.

I miss playing in this pool which breaks into little paths with my mother watching me from a distance.

I miss holding my cat when I’m alone and afraid.

I miss the smell of plastic bags in the clinics.

I miss playing the score of the song I loved so much.

I miss listening to my teacher’s stories whenever I’m in her class.

I miss lying on the grass and watch the stars illuminate the dark sky.

I miss watching ‘Tales from the crypt’ at midnight.

I miss buying ice-cream from the old man after school.

I miss balancing equations in chemistry.

I miss playing in the rain.

I miss stupid conversations that go on for hours.

I miss the stimulation of running in the mornings with the cold air brushing against my cheeks.

I miss meeting people whom I can have a decent conversation with.

I miss seeing the flowers fall from the tree and cover the earth.

I miss the stuff I don’t see more than the stuff I do.

smiling like an eejit

2008-04-29T16:05:00.000+08:00

last night i watched this oh-so-beautiful and subtly funny movie. and of course, this has ABSOLUTELY nothing, nothing at all to do with the fact that Ryan Gosling was in it. hypothetically, if that was the reason, it was worth my every sen :-D

it is SO not your average romantic comedy.
heck, even the comedy is hidden.
i'm not here to give a review or anything as i believe that you have to watch it yourself to understand it.
but what i think is beautiful is that he treats the doll with so much love and care.and he didn't even have sex with the doll.
that just shows how much he respects the doll like a real person.

well, yeah Ryan is this anti-social little overweight person.
but then again, he could be covered in beard and mustache and all
and still comes out looking hot!
hahaha.
and the last part when he smiled after the doll's funeral, it was like the most effing beautiful smile ever!
the doll's death meant that he was ready to be in a real relationship.

i was happy.

d:-D

this movie totally deserves 5 diamonds.

coke lover

2008-04-26T21:31:00.000+08:00

here's some trivia.just for fun!

you know you're addicted to coke when:

1. you wake up in the middle of the night and run to the fridge looking for a bottle of cold,cold
coke.

2. you make an effort to go to 7-11 in the middle of the night if you're out of coke.

3. once you have that bottle of coke, you open the bottle cap like there's no tomorrow.

4. you like the feeling when the coke gets to your brain and makes your eyes teary.

5. you could drink two large cups of coke in an instant but you drink a glass of water like it's a
bitter pill.

6. you buy miniature coke bottles and cans just because you can.

7. you see a truck with a picture of coke covered in ice and you drool.

8. your mother brings along a can of coke every time she picks you up from school,college,etc.

9. your friend tries to entice you to attend some 'monumentally cool' indie event just because
there's a free flow of coke.

10. and lastly, there's a glass of coke next to you as you are reading this.

glass pictures

2008-04-24T22:58:00.000+08:00

today, i woke up amidst the sound of the rain and the clouds that seem to hover above me.hmm...not quite a good day to take pictures.so, angeliqa and i decided to do some wacky photography in the evening.after all the rush to get out of the house, i left the camera behind.but we thought, what the heck,camera phones are A ok.

we went all the way to this park in PJ. the jam was massive!cars were moving like ants in a really, really long line.it didn't stop there.the park was infested with mosquitoes and ants and all the creepy crawlies you could think of.

not a good choice if you want to shoot a magazine spread.

we tried taking pictures of trees and stuff, but they did not do the trees justice.
so what did we do?
take pictures of ourselves.like duhH!

we took tonnes of pictures.by the swing,near the lake,under the tree.we practically went on a photography rampage!i was even bitten by a fire ant while taking pictures of angeliqa.

after the constant beating and slapping ourselves silly from the mosquitoes, we figured it was time to leave.we stopped at a fast food joint to get a float and a waffle.
sugar galore!!

i couldn't believe the amount of sugar i was consuming.i felt dizzy and nauseas after that. but that wasn't dinner!
na, ah, that was tea.:-)

so we headed back and went to Nando's. halfway eating, my stomach felt like exploding into a million pieces. then i was looking at the glass and experimenting with it. we tried taking pictures with it and voila!t turned out gorgeous and did you know that a glass has the ability to make you thin if you take a picture at the right angle??

so, there we were, two crazy people taking pictures of themselves with the glass.
:-D

she went nuts with the glass!

adios!

save our planet

2008-04-22T09:33:00.000+08:00

today(it's already April 22nd in Boleh-land) is Earth Day.

we are perpetually bombarded with ads on recycling; be it in the papers, television or the internet.however, how many of us practice it?i'm guilty of that crime too.i do recycle but i can't say that i help the environment enough.

it is redundant to talk about the arctic and the dying polar bears when the street in your neighborhood is covered in filth.it doesn't take that much to make a change.there is no need for a plastic when you're going to consume that coke immediately anyway.

i started saving plastics seriously when i saw this documentary once. there was a scene where the birds at the beach were all covered in plastic while trying to look for food.that just goes to show how dirty the beach really was.
i think that before we talk about recycling, we should talk about cleanliness first.is it so hard for you to clean your dishes first before washing them??even a moron has the sense to do it.

we talk and crap about 'no pollution!let's save the environment!don't cut the trees!" when we can't even stand one minute without the air-conditioner turned on at full blast.

we say cut the fuel.but people are riding SUV's and pickup trucks more than ever. i read once that even Toyota was condemned.yes, it's true that it produces the Prius, but the Hilux is selling like hot cakes. so, in the end money rules.

nevertheless, after all that, we should try and do everything in our power to save the environment.

walk instead of driving.use the shower instead of the bath tub.eat in instead of ordering take -out. that'll save paper.

let's hope that after the 40++ million dollars generated from the movie An Inconvenient Truth, people are actually learning something. not just gawk or act stunned...

the sky was candy

2008-04-12T21:07:00.000+08:00

the rain is pouring and intruding the silence of the night.droplets of clear water falling from the sky, washing away all the dirt of today's business.i wanted to post a story, but then i thought,"you know what?i just wanna let off some steam today".after all,real life is better than fiction,right?

so i was driving with my mom the other day, and we were at the toll plaza.i wasn't sure how much i should pay.so, i gave the guy a dollar.did i give him the 'look'?i wonder.then he stared at me with the blurrest look. ever.

so, we stood there looking at one another with the dumb look.he didn't say anything.so, i sorta panicked and asked my mom to give me another dollar.he was still looking...and then he gave me a receipt, but still in a daze.it turned out that we should just pay a dollar.hahah.

yet another blur moment in the life of moi.

i watched augusta,gone for the gazillionth time today.after it was over, i sat there for several minutes watching the idiot box when i saw it!

it was an ad for the barclays epl. the scene was in a stadium and the focus was on this dude among the thousands of screaming people.at that moment, i was saying, hey,you look so effing familiar.it was the 'cool' guy.then, i saw the orange guy(sp's bff)!

my eyes were literally popping out of their sockets.but,nope, i didn't see sp.well...too bad.but it was a nice couple of seconds. d:-)

i accidentally bumped into this song, 2.45am by the great late elliott smith.it is a really, really swell song.i find myself drowning in it.over and over.

"Music is worth doing just because.It doesn't have to be justified by some political point of view, and it's kind of insulting to the music to make it a tool for something else."
-Elliott Smith

and yeah, i watched il mare again. gosh, am i soppy or what??!!

i'll drift to my la la land now.see you next time...

something that has to be immortalized...

2008-03-15T21:34:00.000+08:00

very recently,a certain someone i knew left this world forever.although we were not close in life,i must say she was the strongest person i've ever known.i am indeed thankful that i got to see her one last time at the hospital.

it was only a few weeks ago.she was lying in a bed full of buttons and machines tracking her every heart beat,every drop of blood that comes out of her body.

but there was no look of despair.not a trace of pain was etched on her face.after all that,she was still smiling.she gave the most beautiful smile.she couldn't be much older than my mother.looking at her on that bed with all those tubes coming from all over her body made me wonder.what if it was my mother?would i be able to care for her and be all that she needs me to be?or would i just leave her alone and do nothing??a drop of tear trickled down my face.i tried to hide it by staring at the window instead.

the room was as cold as a morgue.there were only two patients in a room.and there was this bed next to hers where a really old man laid.he looked really small and frail.he was all alone and staring into space.at that moment,i just wanted to go to the side of the bed and hold his hand.i never did.

is he still alive?or has he gone to meet the Creator?only God knows.at that point,she was already in her final stage of cancer,but she never mentioned it to anyone.so,nobody ever knew the seriousness of the situation till it was too late.perhaps it was her wish.

her face looked so calm that day.the only complain that she made was that she was out of breath.even while all the tubes were draining out the water from her lungs.

the moment my mother told me that the woman passed away,i was shocked and at peace at the same time.shocked because it seemed like she was getting better. peace because she did not suffer severely when she died.

she died in her sleep around 2am.

i didn't think to write about it.i just figured that it was something that i need to keep to myself.but on my way home today, i turned on the radio.and there was this 'tazkirah' given by an ustaz.

and the topic was death.

i listened to it attentively and i realized,this wasn't some kind of coincidence.it was meant to make me realize that death is very certain and near and we should always be prepared to face it.

he said that if we are happy to meet Him, He will be happy to meet us too.and how do we know if we will be happy to meet Him?

through our deeds.

you can't say you're happy to meet God while you're doing all the wrongdoings on earth.the ustaz said that if our 'amal' is good, at the moment of dying,we would forget all that is on earth and could not wait to see God.

that is why i have to write this down.you can't just go to a person's funeral and not learn anything from it.if that's the case,what are you living for anyway??

at the presence of death, we are all equal.no one's prettier.smarter.richer.

we're all nothing but particles as compared to everything that God has created.
therefore,learn.never stop learning...

3 egg tarts!

2008-03-11T17:38:00.000+08:00

i was busy slouching on the couch watching the idiot box and flipping what seemed to be an endless array of boring channels and there it was,in all its glory staring me right in the face.

two people splatted on the drinking water bottle,dressed in a gown and a suit.

in WHITE!!

apparently promoting the movie 'Ah Long Pte Ltd'.

just looking at the woman with what looked like a sword in hand and this creepy smiling dude makes me want to run like the wind and get the tickets!

come on, how can you not watch a movie with the word 'Ah Long' in it??

i froze and held the bottle up as if it was some kind of a priceless trophy, shimmering in the light and taking in all the attention.

wow,the power of advertising.

and you thought the kids screaming 'yeay' in the TORA chocolate ad was a joke.i mean, seriously, how can anybody forget the line "TORA DATANG LAGI!".you have got to be in denial if you say you do.

ahh,the wholesome goodness of the orb-shaped biscuits drenched in a thin layer of heavenly chocolate and packaged in a multi-colored box.

and who can forget, the helicopter toy or the spin thingy hidden amongst the balls of chocolates that look like feces of an undisclosed animal if you stared hard enough???

i hear you say...

2008-02-21T13:52:00.000+08:00

ever wondered what it would it feel like to sit among the clouds??i'd probably get too comfortable to want to return to earth.

the land of violence, lies,corruption,oppression,discrimination.

there's absolutely nothing wrong with the world, but rather the content of it.

i'm not here to preach or anything,but it's happening everywhere, even as i'm writing to you.

a child loses his parents, a homeless man lying on the side of the road. a friend dead as a result of a silly argument.

it's true that we're supposed to look at the brighter things in life. but it doesn't mean that we ignore what's going on around us altogether. and it is still not enough to feel pity without lifting a finger.

an action may not always bring happiness. but there is no happiness without action.

how can you talk about poverty when at the same time, you're thinking whether you should get that Prada purse or the Gucci dress??where's the sense in that?

we don't even have to go so far.it's enough to just show that you care to the people around you. it's not about words.but of actions. you can say 'i love you' a thousand times, but if you don't mean it, it's like wasting your breath...

it's not written in some law or rule that you should be a member of the United Nations to make a difference.

i've never felt so alone like what i'm feeling right now. but it doesn't mean that i should complain and be a bitch to others. seriously, what gives me the right to act that way?

i know i could be dead now and it wouldn't make a difference. but that's a selfish way of looking at things, you know??

people die serving the country and here i am complaining that my depression is sucking the life out of me. not to say that depression is nothing. but expressing it rather than keeping it bottled up inside is still and always have been the best way.

and with that, i end my self-motivation talk for today...

the week of sorts

2008-02-16T11:35:00.000+08:00

This entire week has got to be one of the worst weeks of my 21 years of life.

period.

except for the fact that we celebrated anne's 22nd birthday.

i hear you,anne!!

i almost got murdered by anne and hani who were ever-so-ready to throw me out of the window.it never occurred to me that they would actually jump in the car and come looking for me.

like l. i. t. e. r. a. l. l. y ! ! !

i was very touched and i felt like i existed,like i mattered.that i wasn't irrelevant.

at the time, i was practically sleeping in the library.pen in hand and my books intact,of course.the air-conditioning was so good, i could lay on the floor and not care about the world.

so yeah, what is it about saving the environment again?

i can't say that i was suicidal but i was having all these thoughts and my mind was like going through the motions.i was constantly thinking... about what,i'm not certain.

the uno cards that we played reminded me so much of my childhood.

of simple things.

of innocence.

of fun.

of happiness.

as we get older,we often look back to our past,our beginning,our friends back then.what we used to be. weird,isn't it?

to my beloved friends and especially to those who went searching for me, i thank you. sincerely. you left a huge impact on my life that day.and i will never forget it.ever...

but the biggest bombshell that crashed on me has got to be the day i knew that a certain someone stabbed me in the back.
hard.
and in the open???
but i don't think she is worth mentioning here.heck, she doesn't even deserve to be remembered.

nonetheless, i was very hurt.till the point that i was shaking and shivering like a man left out in the cold,cold snow.

now, i know better.

now, i know better.
to you too, i say thank you. for showing me that a person can be so changed in a span of a couple of weeks.
you let your ugly side out.
and now it's my turn.
i wish you all the happiness and joy in your life.i just can't look at you the same no more...

i'm trying to keep a positive view in life and not push things too hard on myself.
you only live once,so why waste it?

and here's a little shout out to the dude with curly hair that we saw at the court.
heyya!!

this is it for today.till then...

the day i lost myself...

2008-02-10T01:13:00.000+08:00

it's 1.09 on a cold Sunday morning.it's pitch black and the only thing that sheds light is the monitor. i can barely open my bruised eyes. been crying drops of tears that would fill up a river since God knows when.you'd think that my tear glands would be dry by now but the truth is,they never run dry.

i'm going to lose the one thing that's been keeping me sane all these years.my one true friend in the entire world and beyond...if i could turn back time, i would do it in a heartbeat.without any hesitation.without any question.

can you hear me?I LOVE YOU!i love you more than i love myself.i've loved you before and i will always love you till my dying days.nothing will ever change that.the love that i have is as bright as the sun and it will never fade.

you were always there for me.through the best, the worst and all the in-betweens.you knew my deepest secrets,my lonely dreams,my every whisper... you laid next to me the whole time i was crying in the cold, dark room.

my heart is crushed like someone just ran over me... and yet i'm still alive and very much breathing.
i never imagined in a million years that it would come to this.i feel completely desolated in this busy,busy land.will i ever be the same?i doubt it with every fiber of my being .will i get through this alive??

i don't want to go alone.i don't want to be alone...

someone once said," Don't listen to sad songs when you're sad". but i just can't help myself. i'm still bleeding tears as i write this. and it doesn't help that Ben Harper's song is playing in the background.
i know from this moment on, i'll have to be strong and live on with only your image in my thoughts.but right this second, just this second, i'd like to believe that things were just like how they were before.we're in our own world and nothing can tear us apart.

i've never been so alone and empty. as the hour passes, a part of me is slowly drifting away...flying like particles of dust,into the vast space that surrounds us.

God, please help me get through this..i don't think i have the strength to go through this alone.